Turtlenecks and Camouflage Cargos

Dear Lil Buddy,

          Don't touch them. Six months from now on the night before school, August 20, 2006, you will find a pack of Camel Light Cigarettes. Don't touch them. I did. Please don't. I was young, foolish, insecure, and wearing my solid red turtleneck with camo cargo shorts. I really do not know why I did. I guess I wanted people to think of me as the coolest kid around, but that never really came to fruition. Anyway, I found the pack lying in the street near my house and pulled out a cigarette. You'll have a box of matches in your front right pocket by the way, thus I lit the cigarette and inhaled, smoke immediately filled my lungs. While the breath sent me retching in the gutter, I discovered a certain freedom in the thing, and before I knew it I had smoked the whole pack!! Now you may not be aware, but smoking a whole pack of cigarettes in an hour for anyone is difficult, but for an 11 year old? Forget about it. Although, I spent the next week sick in bed in my camo pajamas, I could not shake the feeling from my mind. I had the tick, I felt the addiction. Now Buddy, I'm not proud of what I did, or what you may soon do, (unless you heed my advice!!) but let me assure you that I assumed the role of the best deviant in town to get my fix. I stole, killed, swapped, pegged, begged, tricked, swindled, conned, hoodwinked, and bamboozled. And I could do it with the best of 'em. However, soon my turtlenecks and camo shorts sported burn marks and searching for my next quick fix consumed my free time. August 20, 2012. The night before my senior year. As I got ready for bed, bumming a cig and brushing my teeth, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Shaggy hair, a gaunt face, sallow skin, and teeth that nearly looked black, I did not like the person whom stared back at me. That moment I decided to quit. Needless to say I succeeded, yet the path proved long and difficult, and every morning I awake craving a cigarette. Buddy I'm telling you, don't touch them! I truly regret the day I ignited that first cigarette. I think most of the school already envies us for our daily outfit of a turtleneck and camouflage cargo shorts, (I had countless turtlenecks and three pairs of the shorts so I could still wear them when my mother washed them) so we do not need to start smoking! Man, if you want to keep wearing that outfit, the ladies do not dig it but I didn't realize that until later, go for it. But the smoking? I'm begging you to never touch that first pack. Otherwise, you will endure the same path to delinquency and rehabilitation I had to. It's a dark, lonely road.

                                                               Sincerely,
                                                                        The Most Interesting Man in the World

P.S. When you have that crush on Megan Stricker towards the end of 5th grade... Don't. Or else, Brad might not date her because she will fall for you and your daily turtleneck and camouflage shorts.