Come on, Girl

Dear Damsel in Distress, 

           I have never found myself in your situation, ironically however, I do have several tidbits of advice to give you if you so desire. Although before that, permit me to share a few things about myself. First, I wear the pants. Period. My man better do what I tell him, WHEN I tell him or he ain't worth keeping around. Second, I graduated from Oxford. You know, THE Oxford. Enough said. Finally third, my motto: A strong woman does not need a man. Therefore, I actually found myself rather disgusted when I read your letter, "My boyfriend wants to break up but I do not...?" You serious? All women are good women. All women deserve the right man and if yours wants to break up, then CLEARLY it will not work out in the long run. Why do you even want to hang around a guy that does not want you anymore? I mean, for God's sake girl, get back to the gym, work your abs and booty, and go meet another guy! Whenever I hear someone say, "you can only find one Mr. Right!" I want to throw up. Infinite "Mr. Rights" walk around all day everyday! I probably met six Mr. Rights at the grocery store yesterday! Damsel, this guy does not want you anymore. Deal with it yet, preserve your dignity and end it first. Make Mr. Wrong get on his knees and beg for YOU back once he realizes what a mistake he made, rather than the other way around. I know you feel like a loser now, but I promise you can do better than this chump! If he does not want to kick it with a girl like you, then he most likely is into guys. Guaranteed. Therefore, I think you should go home tonight and tell that guy to beat it for being such an ignorant jerk in the time you two dated and make him come crawling back if you two ever find yourselves ready to try it again. Basically what I have tried to orate derives from the All-American Rejects and the greatest song in history. 

Move along, move along like I know ya do

And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along.